A Blue Lotus

A blog about what comes next…

Today I’m sitting in my living room looking out over a lake.

It’s a pretty house, on a dead end street, in a small town in Maine. I’m not from here, but found my way here in a roundabout way from cities very far away.  Mostly, I’ve lived in cities.  This is new, just the last two years.  It’s been a good place to quarantine during the time of coronavirus.  Isolated, but with access to groceries that offer good food and wine.  There is cheese here and locally raised meat and superb vegetables and fruit in the season.  We have grown a big garden and our own produce is coming in fast and furious. We are two here – my partner, Z, and me. We have not found love in the time of coronavirus.  Our time here has been a struggle and an almost parting of the ways multiple times. But then – there is no place to go. So we are soldiering on, making promises to do better. To change our ways. To enhance the connections we have.  We can do some things. He will do his part. I will try to do mine. 

Life events happened during this time. We hightailed it out of France just as she was closing down in early March. The aborted trip was to have been the beginning of a longer journey. We had planned to move to France before the virus hit, but now our American passport is less than useless in Europe. No one wants us, with good reason.

We quarantined when we got home. No virus. Out of the blue I had a stroke.  I recovered.  Z saved my life by getting me to the hospital immediately.  My stepfather died in a nursing home in another state.  There was no service.  I learned that my stepfather had disinherited me. 

Z’s beloved mother died in a nursing home in Missouri.  He had not been able to visit her in months.  His mother was alone when she died, as was my stepfather.  Z attended his mother’s funeral at which he was the only family member wearing a mask (Missouri).  He quarantined at home when he returned and did not contract the virus.

I started to work for the Democratic party here and had a falling out with the local party chair. I no longer work for the Democratic party – but I do support their efforts and hope for the best.

Z and I watch many, many movies and TV series, often in other languages – we are cine/TV philes. I study French – a lot of French, in Zoom classes and on my own.

I did not clean out my closets, or my drawers, or my basement.

White Tara is a Buddhist “goddess”, for lack of a better word. In the iconography she is depicted as holding a blue lotus flower.  White Tara is a symbol of compassion and relief from suffering and pain. She has seven eyes so that she can really see all this suffering. During this time we have been doing a Buddhist White Tara practice. So for the purpose of this blog, I have adopted the moniker of A Blue Lotus.

Now, even though the virus is far from over, I’m trying to look at what comes next. Sometimes one may need to look back in order to look ahead. If you want to follow this journey, I promise it will not be boring.  And I will welcome your suggestions. I need all the help I can get.

To be continued…